Confession: One Last Time

I can still remember everything as clear as the sky that night. When the moon was bright and silver and the stars, perfectly scattered like diamonds waiting for its owner to come and pick them up. The cold air enveloping our bodies. The park, empty and silent in contrast to our busy minds and loud heartbeats. We stood there for an eternity, waiting for either of us to say something. How long has it been? Two years? Three years? I don’t know. I lost count already. I stopped counting the hours, days, weeks, months, and years knowing that I won’t be waking up with you laying in my bed every morning, knowing very well that it was over. Everything’s long gone. But now here you are, standing in front of me. You’ve aged beautifully. You looked completely fine. No sign of distress. No sign of guilt. No sign of heartbreak and not even a hint of regret. The complete opposite of how I felt and looked.

The eerie silence surrounding us was unbearable that you’ve decided to break it and asked me if I wanted to talk. I told you I had nothing else to do so I’ll take the offer but in truth, I had loads of paperwork. A bunch of more important things to do but I just needed to spend this time with you because you’re far more important. Something I should’ve told you before. You took me to what I assumed to be your new apartment and we talked. At first, it was just about our lives. About what happened to us after we’ve went our separate ways. How the tables have turned for the two of us. I was the one coping up with what happened, heck I was doing great! While you’re a total mess asking yourself the only question everyone asks once a fairytale has ended: Why? Now look at us. You’re shining as if a storm never passed your humble abode while me? I’m a crumbling tower that once stood tall and proud when the hurricane passed. But I’ll never admit that. I never once did because I don’t want you to think so little of me. I don’t want you mocking me for what I did. I don’t want you slapping me with the truth that I caused our own destruction. Hours passed since we started talking and in every passing second I grew agitated for I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and spill all my emotions that I kept hidden from you. But when your eyes met mine and you told me you were glad I was doing fine, I lost it. I felt all the emotions I’ve been keeping surge through me like the Pandora’s box. All the guilt, the hatred, the mistakes and regrets I’ve been feeling went out my mouth. All the things I wished I told you back then were set free from their cages. All the lonely nights I’ve spent thinking that I’ll be fine without you, that I can replace you with anyone else; the nightmares that haunt me every night being a constant reminder that I was the one at fault. I confessed all of that to you like a sinner would to a priest or to God himself. I felt like a convicted murderer acknowledging his crimes. I felt pathetic. I caused all of this and yet, here I am regretting everything I have done. Well what else was I supposed to do? This was the last chance I can get. The last thread that I’m holding onto in order to try and fix this. But that’s impossible isn’t it? After all this year, why now? Why fix something that has been broken for a long time? Why restore something that was meant to fall apart in the first place? Why put back together the torn pages of a book with tape?

You looked at me like I’m someone with a few screws loose, like I’m someone smoking cannabis but I told you I wasn’t. It was so stupid of me to think that I’m better off with someone else. It was dumb of me to leave you hanging like that. I was out of my freaking mind when I told you I fell out of love for you and that I don’t want you anymore. Those sleepless nights made me realize my stupidity. I loved you and I still do. I want what we had back. I want you back in my life. I need you. This time I know I’m not lying. I know I sounded so desperate but what can I do? And as if my sense of right and wrong jumped out of the window and left me for good, I kissed you. It felt like the first time. The spark of electricity I’ve felt went from my head to my toes, making all my senses come alive. From that moment on, the time seemed to stop and everything around us was a blur. It felt surreal. But like most good dreams, it ended. The look on your face was something I cannot read. Did you felt the same or not? It made me scared to know what you’re going to say. It was like waiting for a volcano to erupt. I told you I still love you and left. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the rejection that I might be getting from you. Is this how it felt like? That night I ended everything about us? Is this what you’ve felt? I know it hurt more than this and I hate myself for it.

I never heard from you again after that. I know I messed up. Now here I am laying in my bed, thinking of the what if’s and how stupid it was of me to let you go; reliving that night and the kissed we shared. Can you blame me? I wanted to know how it felt like again, having you all to myself. Even if it was just a fraction of illusion created by my deluded mind.

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